Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
