I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
