For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
