i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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