So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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