First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Randomize
