Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
