so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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