I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
