i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
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