so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
