I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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