Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(325): View more from Texas

she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.

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(810): View more from Michigan

I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.

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(616): View more from Michigan

I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.

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23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
Read it at the TFLN blog
(815): View more from Illinois

I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.

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(343): View more from Ontario

His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted

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(234): View more from Ohio

If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.

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(315): View more from New York

Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.

(1-315): View more from New York

Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha

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(210): View more from Texas

I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK

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