i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Randomize
