Moan for me like Helen Keller
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
