Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing