she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
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I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
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he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK