Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
