Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
