Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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