Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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