I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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