i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
