After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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