official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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