The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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