If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
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