I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
