i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
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You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
My bed smells like the plague
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