I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
