Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
