Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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