Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
We left the knife in your bed.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
