why didn't you poke me back
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
