tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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