On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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