Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
