i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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