I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize
