my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
