You're my little dorito
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
