508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
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Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
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How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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