Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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