How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
We don't watch enough power rangers
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
