YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
