There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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