I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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