i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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