found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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