Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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