Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
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