Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
