just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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