Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Randomize
