Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Less talking, more tequila
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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