Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
