you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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