So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
