Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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