I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
